rHaZz’S wOrLd…m/,

Knowing him was a mystery. It was like the ones you saw over the television. He was like the suplado one while I was the smile-wherever-you-are-type of girl. He was the I-don’t-care-you-exist-type while I was the omigod-i-might-hurt-him-type. There were instances when we get to see each other but the look on his eyes would tell me that “get outta my way” stuff. I ignored him although he looked like the world was on his shoulders. He looked like he hates everyone he doesn’t know and seeing me looked like ruining the rest of his day. For the whole semester it was just like that. Deadmahan. Way pakialamay. I got used to it that seeing him without a word is just so fine and could never affect my day.

      But things turned surprising one cold night. Could it be cupid’s lil arrow’s fault? Was it mumunch’s fault? The world seemed to turn in a different direction. It was like the gods descended from heavens. That was so rare. Because the I-don’t-care-you-exist-man was talking to me asking me random questions, and I just found myself answering his questions and throwing away some. That was so surprising and indeed rare. And that was the start.

       I thought that that was just the first and the last night or incident that he would talk to me. But another surprise came. Another night was spent on talking about stuffs we didn’t even imagine we could talk about. And I was able to tell him that I am suffering from insomnia and that I could stay awake for days without sleeping. Upon knowing that, he told me that he should have at least eight hours of sleep to support his system. See how opposite and different we were? Another night followed and he was just there talking to me until dawn just because I can’t sleep.

         Reminiscing how we were before, I still can’t believe that the man I used to see like a lion ready to eat his prey could be that someone who could rescue me from all the pain in the world. Never had I imagined that the man I used to call suplado could be the sweetest person I know. I never thought that he could be that sensitive, I never thought he could be so sweet, I never thought that he was just the one who could give me back the reason to smile, I never thought that he has got the sense of humor like no other. And I never thought that he could be that someone I could trust, and someone who could be so special, and someone who saved the girl from a neglecting ex-boyfriend. And yeah, he is that someone who could make my day with that simple text message. And hell yeah, he is that someone who could tease me like no other but would say “joke ra.hoi.ayaw ba.” =) And one of the best things about him? He is soooo unpredictable. Like you can never imagine. One moment he was teasing you and all of a sudden he would burst those sweet words you wouldn’t expect. Words that a girl would long to hear.

       I wouldn’t get tired saying thank you to the man who is making me feel this way. Thank you for the effort, the patience in dealing with me, the words he never got tired of saying, the things he continually do. And I thank him for staying. Until one day, things will fall out the way we would want it to be.

         Thanks much marvin!~

i stayed n your womb for 9 months. u never considered me a pain as i rest n ur womb considering that u hav to bear with me werever u go. evn inside ur womb u nurtured me and loved me w/o even seeing and touching me yet. u never considered that lil thng n ur tummy a burden..

u excreted me. not as a sweat. not as a saliva. not as urine. but as a precious lil being.

from day 1 u nourshd me, nurtured me, loved me, cared for me, clothed me, fed me, protectd me and did everthng for me..

wen i was a kid, u gave me evrythng f u earn. wn im hurt u take the pain away.wen i cry, u kiss the tears aways. ur hug is my best medicine.u have ths power of healing with jst a kiss, a touch, or a pat at the back. ur hug is the world’s greatest complimnt. ur words were the best song and poem ever written. wen ur mad at me, u never missed to apologize n ts sweetst, sincerest sound. n everthing that u say, there is always love and compassion in it.

then i entered my teen years.i started to go against ur rule. i started to hurt u. i started to make my own principles and my own point of view and disregarded ur rules thinking i matured enough to stand for wat i truly believe in. in the end, i turnd back to u asking for forgiveness and crying. yet, u wiped my tears away and accepted me with opn arms.

now that i am entering my 20’s, u equipped me with ur love and lessons u taught me. u may be tough at times bt evn n ur toughest mood, ur love is still greater. mom, i will never b who i am now w/o u. i will never b this woman admired at times by people f u never brought me up ths way. if u just tolerated the thngs i did before, w/c i thot were all right, perhaps today i am nothng.but a wasted woman.but mom, u never gave-up.u showed me the light, u showed me the way.

in every mistake i did, with just a sorry, u made the constellation appear perfect.

mom, u are someone i will never trade to anyone because w/o u, there will be no me.God gave me to u because he knew how stubborn i am and because he knew how impertinent i am, he knew u can mold me well.

i apologize for the things that caused u pain and if i hurt u, sorry mom…so sorry…

i love u so much!!

happy mother’s day…

of all the mothers i know, u r the best, the strongest, and the prettiest..

i love you mom!~

cant eat.. cant think.. cant sleep.. ive consulted medical specialists for this matter why on earth i cant eat, i cant thnk, and i cant sleep. no one had ever given me the acurate answer. they all cant explain.

pictures. memories. memories of my family that i for long keep. memories of my siblings i treasured for the longes time. memories of mom i played in my mind over and over again. memories of pop i didnt stop to reminisce day and nyt, nyt and day.

songs. songs which are haunting me. favorite songs of my isblings keep playing in my head. songs which wre realesed six years ago, five years ago or four years ago i keep remembering.

scenes. scenes with the fun and happy moments i spent with my siblings. moments. moments we laugh, we cry, we argue, we raised the tone of our voices, we eat together, sleep together, and even doing nothing just sitting with the six of us.

sadness. i dnt like the feeling. i want to go home!!!i want to be with them and jsut do the same things we did. im getting crazy in here!!why cant i just go gome and be with them???why do i have to sacrifice???why do  i have to stay here away from them, away frm my family, away from home?

corners. i hate to wake up everyday alone with these four corners of the room. i hate to be awakened everyday to be awakaned by my siblings’ lafter, quarrels, the banging of the door, the morning litanies of mom, the loudest volume of pop’s stereo. i just miss everthing and everyone…

sacrifices. i have to. i have to sacrifice for my familyl. i dnt have a choice. i dnt have the option. i have to stay away from them because we aim sothng better. something for the future.

absences. birthdays, christenings, and almost every impt event of the year, i was absent. because i am here. studying. trying to learn how to live to the real world. trying to learn to be indepndent.

cant i just go home for a while like for a day or two???? cnat i just hug everyone at home like for an hour???cant i just talk to them???cant i just see tehm for like a day???cant i just be with them???cant i??,or can i???

i miss you guys…

gett me outa here…

getting crazy

never in my entire life my breeders did make me feel being a failure. never did they tell me i was a mistake. it was only i hu made mistakes. it was only i hu made them feel that i really am a failure.

let’s begin to recall those momnts wen i made them sad: 3 years ago,they were bummed by my decision to take up this course (masscom) and neglect their plans for me one of which is being a nurse. omigod!!!i cant even imagine myself wiping other pipol’s ass! (no offense to nursing students and the like).. i dnt even like the smell of a hospital so i dnt thnk i cud live that place for like 24/7..

mom was actually disapointed and she was like telling me i shud finance my studies if i wont take that hell course up!but here comes my superman (pop) telling mom not to force me. it was like a month or two that mom really never treated me like she used to. she was like mad all the time until i proved sumthng..which made her proud of me.

4 years after here i am…childish still.dependt stll. and still in this course trying to survive. trying to prove mom and pop that this decision was never a mistake.

il be graduating next year (if i can graduate) i want to make my wonder woman and my superman proud of me. i wanna make mom think that this isnt a mistake. and i wanna make pop think that his help to convince mom was never wasted and that i am doing this not just for my own..but also for the…

charr….

yesterday was a blast… yesterday was a blessing… yesterday was my day… yeserday, i turned 20!

still in denial.. i still cnt accpt that i am now 20..

when i turned 20 i thought id be someone more matured than what i am now. i thought at least i would not laugh that loud. i thought i would not eat that much. i thought i would be more conscious about how i look..

these thngs just popped up night before my bday..

when i turned 20, i started to act accordingly… that was wat mom said. that was wat pop sed..

when i turned 20, evrthng was a first time…

my first time to celebrate my bday awy from my family..

my first time to celebrate my bday with classes..

but those first times turned out to be a blast! here comes my super tito with all the foods. the best things in life are those done unexpectedly. just wen i thot i was alone, my girlfrnds came with their surprise cake..

dnt u envy me because im 20??

because wen i turned 20, i realzed that greatest thngs are always atainable. simple thngs like giving a hug, a text from my family are always considered great things.

yes, my day is still incomplete. because no matter how i tried to contemplate and tell myself that il be fine, i still miss everyone at home and yes, it’s damn differnt wen u celebrate ur day without mom and pop..without my siblings..

but then, my girlfrnds never failed to surprise me. they made me feel i was nevr awy from home.they made my day so damn happy..

the great thing is, marlon is also there. in the abscence of my family, marlon was there.l

when i turned 20 i realzed i am lucky..

when i turned 20 i realzed i shud be grateful making it this far..

when i turned 20 i realzed there were pipol willing to stnd by me..

when i turned 20 i realzed how cool it was to have ur age at the line up of "2"

when i turned 20 i know this s the beggining of everything..

so dnt envy me because im 20…

u had ur time…

and to some, u will have your time…

and then u will know that everythng i say is true..

i am proud, i am 20.

dont envy me because im 20…

i was reared by a cool dad hu loves head bangin’ music, hu loves drag racing, hu loves motocross, and someone hu just loves music. period. so can u figure that out???i mean can u imagine what wud be his breed??ehem! although in the first sentence i said my superman’s cool, that doesnt necesarily mean that you have to agree with me wen i say im cool.;uh oh….just put it this way, "wat might b cool to me might not be cool to you.." hahah

il be turning 20 this year. in about less than two months ill be saying bye to my teend years. but that isnt an issue. okey, let me just make this clear..when i was in my mom’s womb (that was acording to pop and mom because obviously i didnt know what has been happening when i was in the womb)pop brought  mom anywhere he wished to go with his ducati. can u imagine a pregnant woman riding on a ducati????

pop said i cant sleep without the musc of pink floyd and enigma..omigod!!!now u know why im too harsh…blame that to my parents..

i grew up enjoying those head bangin’ musc and being presnt in almost every drag race or motocross..

the musc of PUNK (which was according to mom stands for People Under New Kingdom of Satan) gives life to me. those punk bands are trully wat i am made of. then avril lavigne came. i learned to pain my nails with black and i learnd to wear those accesories. i bcame a duplicated avril..(gira!)

that wasnt a problem actually because i enjoyd being that way until my boyfrnd made me realize that i cant be like avril for the rest of my days which is so damn true…i cant cling to avril forever. i shud grow up bcause like everyone, avril does. and i didnt notice that i was left out.

slowly, im trying to dress normally. normal for my age. but its just so hard to dressd and act like a strangedr. i then realzed i dnt have to force myself to be a lady although my age tells me to. until and unless i will be ready, that would be the time that people can call me a grown-up. not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. and no one can ever dictate me what to do. il be a kid for as long as i want..this is me. and i dnt have to try to be someone i am not just bcause its what the society tells. this is me…and im happy..

Living away from the people who taught me the meaning of life is such a hard thing. ever since when i was born until the first word i learnd to speak, until i first learnd my ABCs and my 123s, until i sang the first song i sang,until i spoke my first complete sentence, until i had my first cut in the finger, until i first sneaked out of the house, until my first night out, until i fell inlove… -there is always mama and papa. when i feel like its the end of everything, they were there to to encourage me, to support and to tell me that its not really the end of everything… because, i still have everything… -i stil have them..

i cant stand alone..i need them both.i need their sermons and litanies, i need their encouragemnts, i need their corrections, i need their high voices to correct me, i need their laughs,and i need everything.. -everythng that they provide.

in my almost 20 years of living i still dnt know much of life and i still need their guidance. although i was given the freedom to do the things i want (with limits)i still end up asking them what’s good and what’s not. i am too dependent and i gues,,il be like this forever…

for 3 years i live alone.not really alone, but rather far from them (mom and pop).i dont have a choice because people (that includes me) seek for a better future. we want to at least finish a degree and have a good work. its for our own feat of survival anyway. that is whay i have to learn to cook for my own, wash my clothes, prepare for my bed, and everthing that mom does.at first, i had a hard time adjusting but then, i get used to it..

those people who live far from their breeders truly undrstnd what im talking about. sometimes, this situation drives people to kill themselves. because this feeling is much than any other aloneness in the world…those people,might just be driven to kill….

i dnt undrstnd how pipol wud say dey undrstand u.how cud it b wen dey hav not evn xperiencd being in ur shoes?the cliche "i know how u fee" sucks. we are dfrnt indviduals with dfrnt personalities, having dfrnt outlooks, having dfrnt breed.u dont know how i feel for u hav not lived my life.

u cant considr me lucky or unlucky basing on wat u see.u cant detrmine f im sad or happy or f im bored or lonely.u dnt know me and u may nt know how well i hide those emotions.u dnt know me.not even those pipol i call "frnds". not evn those pipol assumng dt im their frnd.haha.dey dont evn know anything.

some pipol say dat i mess up.some say im too shy.too innocent.too….boring.did i let dat stop me n making decisions and for livng my life d way i wantd it to b?obviously not.

i am unpredictable.u dnt knw exactly wats on my mind.u dnt evn know if im planning to rob a bank or to kill the person i hate or to burn the school or evn to commit suicide.

now m talking about suicide.im glad im still alive aftr all those down moments i had experienced.aftr almst drowning myslf by cryng.aftr refusing the idea dt i still hav an option to live,and by closing any possibility dat i can b bettr dan wt i think cud b and by wat othr pipol also thnk about me.im weak i shud say.too weak.its just too baddat during those stages of weakneses, i fnd myslf alone.lying n my bed with my unshared emotions and thinking im alone all day long.and wat about my outlet?its simply d keyboard with a li’l spill of ink on the bond paper. those were truly my bestfrnds for they get to listen and allow me to write anything without complaining.and wat about those pipol i call "frnds" and hu consider me as their damn frnd?nuh uh!they’re too stupid!they complain wen i say something.and for christ sake i know how to use my head..i dnt need their advice.i just need their suport.i need them to listen……..not to complain.

now im talking about advice.wat about dat?its just for boastful pipol.i dnt believe dey wanted to help.they only want to boast dat they’re better dan u,that dey can handle ur problem.advising actually s simply telling the opressed dat "ur a wimp!" dat is why,i dnt need an advice.i need a listener.in other words,i dnt need anyone.i just need myslf.iv got my family (marlon’s actually a part of it)and i dnt thnk i stil need those other pipol to be with me just to boast.

speaking of boasting,i dnt have much in life and i know that.and im actually not jealous of wat uv got.im hapy and contented so wn u boast,u dnt affect me.i only laugh wn u tell pipol uv got somthng which we dnt hav.we dnt need dat actually.and excuse me,ur too assuming.too…funny dat ur thnk ur great and dat ur like an icon?!?Huh???learn to feel pity for urself.pipol r laughing at u.and knock-knock…ur just the same piece of crap!

now wat?do i stil hav to say somthing?hmmmm…………u can actually oppose f u want.but im teling u,i dnt need ur opinion so stay away from me.this is my page.make ur own……

Sure, i am not frndly. pipol dnt fnd me frndly also.i wondr y im on frndstr just recently. basically, that might b the reason y i got this acount only late this year bcause probably, i am not frndly and i love it.i believe dat i dnt hv to fit in to other pipol’s standard just to b one of them or 4 the sake of being their frnd.haha.this is me and i dnt hav to fake anythng jst 2 fit in.f those pipol cnt accept me 4 being hu i am,dn i dnt damn care!!!!im living my life the way it shud b.

i dnt hav lots of frnds like others hu almst smile alwys wn dey see someone.i evn wondr f i really hv true frnds.f i hav,i myt hvnt known dem yet.or maybe,i already hv by i jst refuse to see.as of now,i just want to b alone.i dnt want to be wit pipol hum at d end of the day wud back bite me and say somthng against me .i dnt want to be wit pipol hu wud boast always and mke me thnk dat m just a lil fsh n this big pond and that she s the big one. i dnt want to b wit pipol hu wud treat me as her maid and wud dmand and say anythng n a tune of asking a favor and telng her helpr to do this and to do that.i dnt want to be wit pipol hu mke me feel like im at end of her priority list and dat she dnt want to b wit me bcause she wants to b with her ugly spouse.i dnt wat to b with pipol hu leav me and just take me for granted when she sees d big fishes.

sure,i want to b with pipol hu wud jst listen to my ranting and wud let me feel i belong.those pipol hu wud not boast,hu wud not dmand too much like a boss,hu wud not exchange me 4 hr spouse,hu wud nt leav me anytime she wants.sure, dats wat frnds are for bt dat dsnt necesarily mean dat they wud b too tactless and too insensitive with my feelings and emotions.

im feeling this way, simply bcause i havnt met those people yet.they might b here…but im just closing my eyes…………as of now…….

and i hope, they wud understand…